I have been in Melbourne now for a little over seven weeks and I still haven’t gotten off that roller coaster of emotions that I had described in a previous post about what living in Australia during Covid19 feels like for me. After the two weeks isolation due to the flight from Brisbane from Melbourne, I joined a host family as an aupair. What was meant to last for about the next four months unfortunately only lasted a week. For many several reasons working as an aupair for that particular family did not work out for me. Nothing went the way I had planned out and was so excited about. I had to come to the cruel realization that I am no Mary Poppins nor ready to be something similar to a full time mother of three children during Covid. Unfortunately, with only little support from the parents side on managing the unsteady times for the kids, it was for the best to leave them. Meanwhile, I then stayed two weeks with a friend in her little one bedroom apartment. Trying to figure out what was next, I filled my days with lots of walks and photography, mainly of her housecat Norman.

I eventually moved back into my other friend’s empty house where I had done my first two weeks of isolation. I found my self returning back to the old stage I was in, with no sense of perspective and the feeling of loneliness. Although I thought I had worked well on managing my expectations and hopes, I hadn’t managed to shake of the anxiety that has been building inside of me. Haven’t been able to fight the thoughts of failing and accepting the situation. I have been looking at cars and looking at jobs, however there are just none. There is farm work out there that everyone warns you about as most of it is scam or very unthankful work. Also I had said from the beginning, that I would mainly want to travel and hopefully find a job in my field to enhance my career. I did not come here to do the normal Backpacking Working Holiday that young 19 year olds do straight after high school.

So after all, all the excitement I had about making a change and making it work to stay in Australia I have come to realise that I had chosen to stick around for the wrong reasons. My hopes of this becoming easier and better, released travel bans and a fast recovery over this virus had slowly been fading over the weeks and, realistically speaking, I realized that travel how I was planning on doing it here in Australia would not return back to normal for a very long time. Although it wasn’t easy I therefore decided that it was time for me to return home now. I booked the flight last Monday, used the last couple of days to get some sightseeing in Melbourne done and am leaving Australia tonight – with one sad and one happy eye. I would rather return to Australia another time and explore it fully on a visitor visa, then unhappily stick around for something so uncertain that is tearing me apart from the inside. I for myself realize that this is not failure, rather than unfinished success. This really is not a year for big travel plans all over the world and I am excited to be back with family and friends again soon.

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